Ben, who is it That calls here
At 1:00 in The morning ?
Did that wake you up ?
Yeah.
Well, that was Bruce tempkin.
Do you remember Bruce tempkin ?
Bruce-call-at-1:00 In-the-morning tempkin ?
Yeah, sure.
He called last night.
He's in town. For the long weekend.
( Yawning ) Ah, you guys Gonna get together ?
Well, i was hopin' We would, yeah.
And i had mentioned that maybe We should get together
Saturday night, because Danny rellon, remember him ?
Danny rellon, sure.
And howie benotovitch.
Howie benotovitch.
They're also in town, So i thought that maybe
All three of us Would get together.
Remember the time that Howie convinced you
That he was lord benotovitch ?
Yeah.
He did act kind of like He was royalty.
He was weird.
Yeah.
So actually though, dad, I kind of thought maybe--
If these guys Are all in town
That maybe i would Have a party here.
Ok.
In fact, you know, If you like
I'll get out The guitar and uh...
No-no-no-no, no.
Y'know it's nice to have Some live music at a party.
No, y'know They're old friends
And they're in town And this is a one-time deal--
You're not putting me out By asking me to do it, ben.
No, i'm just Putting you out For the party.
Oh !
'Cause i don't think You should be here.
I mean, i haven't had A party here, ever, have i ?
I think it's a good idea That i stick around
Just to Make sure things--
No no, dad ?
Yeah ?
I'm saying on that Particular night
It would be beneficial To me and my guests
To not have, you know, My father walking around.
A lot of your friends Enjoy my music.
I don't remember Bruce, howie or danny
Ever enjoying your music.
Well then, they are extremely Polite young men
Because they sat through 2 and a half hours of
"Someone left the cake out In the rain."
Well dad, that was the worst I've ever gotten beaten up After that.
Ha ha ha.
So laura, do you have any Plans for the long weekend ?
Are you going anywhere ? Doing anything special ?
Um, not really.
Oh, 'cause i'm thinking about Coming into the office
And tackling that file cabinet That i always want to do.
And uh... Sounds like A good idea.
Oh, great ! So, i'll pick up The donuts and the coffee
And i'll meet you here, Let's say, uh--
Meet me here ?
Yeah !
No.
Well, i thought, maybe You wanna come in and uh--
I mean, i was thinking that If you and i did it,
We could turn it into A little party.
Are we still Talking about this ?!
Hi, it's al lubel... Here To see dr. Katz.
I'd like to uh Do my song now, if i could.
( Sigh )
* Well, i'm al lubel, I'm al lubel-lll *
* I'm al lubel, I'm standing here *
* I'm standing here I'm standing here *
* I'm standing, i'm standing, I'm standing, i'm standing,
* I'm standing, i'm standing, I'm standing, i'm standing, *
* I'm irritating...
* I'm irritating, I'm irritating *
* I'm irritating I'm irri-ta-ting *
* I'm irri-ta-ting, I'm irri-ta-ting, Irri-ta-ting *
* I'm annoying annoying
* I'm annoying, annoying, Oying, ohhh-- *
Ahhhhh !
Aaahhhhh !!
And my mother, whenever She worried about me Getting sick
Her voice always sounded So maniacal.
And i figured out why it had That maniacal sound.
'Cause she had 2 emotions In her voice
At the very same time.
Anger and fear, were In my mother's voice At the same time.
She took, ( low tone ) "Button up your jacket"--
That's the anger.
And ( high tone ) "Button up your jacket"--
And that's the fear.
And combined them into, "Button up your jacket.
"Button up your jacket, alan.
You gotta button it up All the way to the top, alan."
"Button up your jacket."
And because my mother Was such a big influence on me
My voice had anger and fear In it also.
"Button up your jacket."
"No, mom, i will not Button up my jacket."
The thing is-- about being an Only child--
My mom gave me Too much attention.
My father, hardly gave me Any attention at all.
I used to wake him up early In the morning to play catch.
And i'll never forget The three words he'd Scream at me
Whenever he'd really Got frustrated,
'Cause he'd always go "5 more minutes, 5 more minutes"
But when he really got Frustrated, i'll never forget Those 3 words.
I'd go, "dad, let's play catch" He'd go, "get ouuuuttta here !"
I'm not exaggerating, he'd go "Get ouuuuttta here !"
Dr. Katz's office.
Laura !
Hi ben.
How are ya ?
Fine.
Good, me too.
So uh, what does a gal like you Got planned for the weekend ?
Why does everyone Keep asking me that ?
Well, you're, you know, You're a young, vibrant woman
( Sigh ) And people Must be curious
What a gal like you does Over the weekend.
Well, i have A couple of things
That i'm gonna do.
Oh, well that sounds-- What are you doing This weekend ben ?
You know it's funny You should ask.
Umm-hmm.
Friday night i'm probably Gonna just, you know
Play it cool, hang out Spend some time alone.
Saturday morning i'll Probably get up early
And get supplies for... The biggest, greatest party
Ever to be had at my place On saturday night.
Um-hmm.
Well, i'm... Havin' a party, I mean it's a whole party,
I mean, a serious uh, A big party.
Great ! Have fun !
I mean, there'll be People and food.
I told you, I have plans.
This isn't gonna be Your typical party, laura.
Number one there will be Free food and an open bar.
I don't think i've Ever been to a party
That didn't have Free food and an open bar.
Right, but this party Will have better food,
Like, i will have Free lobster, y'know ?
Why do you Keep saying "free"
Like people charge For food at a party.
Well, normally you charge For food at a party, right ?
Ben, have you ever Been to a party ?
Yes, i used to-- I would always pay.
Do you know that you Probably were the only one
Being charged For food ?
You mean, you're not supposed To pay in the front ?
No.
Oh.
Uh hi, i uh, i... Actually my name's tom.
I lost my datebook, So i just came right over
In case i have An appointment.
Oh... Well you do !
Oh man !
I nailed it On the first doctor !
I fondly remember My wedding day.
I mean, besides Getting married,
That was Part of it, too,
But you get All those presents,
You get a giant pile of presents Which you're excited about
And then you unwrap them And it's a bunch of crap.
What did we get ?
We got the big "Louisville slugger" Pepper mill.
Right.
And what happens With this thing...
Is i fill it with The whole peppercorns,
The whole Peppercorns,
And then I twist the top
And it drops The whole peppercorns Onto the food
And i don't get pepper In every bite, of course,
But when i get one It certainly makes up For all the ones i missed !
Ok, i think the Bottom-line difference
Between being single And being married is this:
When you're single, you're Exactly as happy as you are.
And when you're married, You can only be as happy
As the least-happy person In the apartment.
I'm not sure What you mean.
Ok, here's a visual To drive that point home.
Like here's A married couple
And here's the Scale of happiness
From "1" all the way Up to "10".
Let's say this married person Is "3" happy
This one is "7" happy, This "7" one comes home--
* Dee-doo dee-do Dee-do... *
"Hi dear, i'm home--"
( Grunting )
Ben, look what Just came in, buddy...
Susan anton Workout tape.
Really ?
Yeahhhh.
Did i want That one ?
You did Want that one.
I've seen the Susan anton one.
Part two ?
No !
Listen, i uh, i actually came by Not to even rent or get candy.
Wow !
Yeah, i'm actually havin' A party saturday night.
Oh, really, Saturday night ?
Saturday night.
Man, i'm goin' To the theater On saturday night.
Can you do this On friday night ?
No, i mean, i planned the party On saturday night.
I can't have The party friday.
Oh, my friend Joseph got the lead in
"Joseph and the amazing Technicolor dreamcoat".
He's playing joseph.
Yeah.
I realize how Funny that is now.
That is a Coincidence, huh ?
Yeah.
Why are you lying ?
I mean, if you don't want to Come my party just say, "ben--
No, i would love to Go to your party but i--
Well, don't lie again on top of The dumb theater lie.
Ben, i'm not Lying to you.
Where's the show Playing, todd ?
It's at the Royal oak theater.
The royal oak.
Yeah.
Where's that, In england ?
It's on, um, Oak boulevard, I don't know.
It's on the ticket, Which i don't have.
Umm-hmm okay, So you're not lying.
No, i would love To go to your party.
Because it doesn't Sound like you're lying
It sounds like you're Telling the truth.
You have a friend Named joseph
Who is in a play Called "joseph"
Playing at the Royal oak theater
And it's on oak street.
So ben is having a party This saturday night.
Some of his old college friends Are in town.
Your ben ? Ben has friends ?
I mean from Out of town ?
Actually ben went to high school And college with these guys.
Huh.
Oh, so they Were close.
Yeah but after, they went on To graduate school
And ben went into his room And locked the door.
They kind of lost touch.
Hey, guess who's not Invited to the party ?
Uh, the good doctor ?
That's right.
Geesh !
I have been asked not to be there.
Aw.
Do you guys Have any plans ?
Because i would love To do something that night,
Take my mind Off the party.
Maybe we could go To a show or something ?
Or...
I... Uh, Actually have plans...
Oh, shoot, I do too.
Well, that's okay, i'm not Giving you much notice.
Maybe we'll do it Some other night
Because that would be fun,
The three of us Just to go out somewhere.
Go bowling, Do you bowl ?
I love bowling.
I'm one of the Best bowlers around.
Well, i assume that.
Julie ?
Yeah, i would go.
Also, the blood bank Is coming to town !
( Chortling ) Positive ?
What happened to All my stuff on the table ?
Where is it ?
What are you Talking about ?
I had a whole bunch of Stuff on the table.
I put everything in boxes And i put it under the couch.
Where's the couch ?
In my bedroom.
Ben, you can't just Move furniture
You can't act unilaterally In this situation.
You know it's your party But i still live here.
Well dad, i had to Make a move, i mean, uh...
How many people are you Expecting at this point ?
Well, i did invite laura.
I invited todd from The video store.
I think you Know him, right ?
Umm-hmm.
All the guys.
And bruce called Yesterday and he said
He had told a lot of People about it so.
You know, this house Really is not designed
To accommodate That many people.
Well, i told the super About the party.
Ok, but i want an Understanding with you,
Forget about The super--
Dad, i really just deal With the super now.
I cleared it up With him and i--
Let's just say i greased A couple of palms at The fire department.
Hmpf !
And they will not Be coming by.
That's great. Checkin' on this party.
Ben, you know maybe i'd Better stay and chaperon.
I'll wear a disguise...
You can say i'm your Wacky neighbor johnny.
They'll never know.
Dad, i thought we'd agreed That this would be
My time with my friends.
Well do johnny For me see if...
Hey, bring on The chicks.
Dad.
Are you gonna Finish that ?
Dad !
Hey who wants to ride On johnny's knee ?
No, y'know, no Johnny should not come.
Ok, i could be pierre.
Your french cousin With no grasp of english.
Wanna hear my pierre ?
All right.
Say something to me.
Hey pierre, Thanks for coming.
I don't understand.
You don't Understand what ?
I don't really understand What you say to me.
What do you mean You don't understand ?
It's a language problem.
But you're responding to Everything i'm saying.
I don't really Understand, though.
So every time I say something.
( As johnny) Where are the chicks !
Johnny get out.
Johnny, not now, I'm talking to pierre.
( As johnny ) This guy's All over me !
( Chuckling )
Y'know, you never See anyone, anymore
With the little Hitler mustache.
No, that's true.
He ruined That look forever.
He was that bad a guy...
That whatever facial hair Configuration he chose
Would have been shot For all eternity.
Mm-hmm.
And it's just good that he Chose such a lame one,
'Cause, like, Who wants that anyway ?
I mean, imagine if Instead of the mustache
Hitler had gone with the Big elvis sideburns.
Right.
The tragedy there would be that Elvis couldn't have had them
And he might have gone with The little mustache.
I guess my biggest problem Is that i think too much.
Mm-hmm.
I think way too much.
But then i think, "How can i be sure ?"
How do i know I think too much ?
How do i know i don't think Just the right amount ?
Has anyone ever set The right amount to think ?
Is there a right amount ?
What if i think Just the right amount ?
Or what if what if i was Thinking just the right amount
But this very thought Just put me over.
I think too much but Not as... Much as some people.
I was walking down The street...
This guy walked by me he was Talking to himself.
Now that's thinking too much When you're talkin'--
He was blatantly Talking to himself.
He was Thinking out loud.
Yeah, thinking out loud.
And as he Walked by me i went
"That guy's a lunatic"
When i thought, "Who am i talking to ?"
I was thinkin' this--
One time i used one of those Change machines.
I put a dollar in, I got 4 quarters back.
I was thinking, The owner of this machine
At the end of each day Must be like,
I broke even again ?
I need more machines !
Dr. Katz, i can't Do impressions...
But i'd like to Give this a shot.
Okay, okay, i'm game.
My first time I've ever tried it.
My impression of the late, great Actor jimmy stewart...
"Leelah... Leelah, Vocee, vocee tah
"Boca lee, boca lee Desa bavalah
"Desa balava, Keesen bobala,
Casse moda tee seevah"--
Yeah.
"Casse mah tee visima Cale vosto, cale vosto."
That's it.
( Ranting in two voices )
This is jimmy stewart ?
( Ranting increases )
This is jimmy stewart, The actor ?
( Ranting and gibberish )
You're scaring me, al.
( Ranting louder )
Ok, stop it now.
Zorbo lah !
Hey, ben.
( Ben on phone ) Hey, dad.
Why are you calling ?
It sounds crazy In the background.
( Loud music ) What's that ? I can't hear ya.
What's goin' on ? Is the party going okay ?
Let me turn The music down.
Okay.
Hey, dad.
Is it going okay, ben ?
Well, it's weird.
It's a little after 9:00 And i've had no arrivals As of yet.
At 8:00 mr. Warren Did come down.
( Laughing ) Oh...
What time did he Leave his apartment ?
Well, he fell On the way down, too
And that was not good.
So he hurt himself And i had to...
It's part of his Old world charm.
But uh, i'm Ready and waiting In a holding pattern.
What's you been doin' For the last hour or two ?
Well, i've had A couple of drinks.
Mm-hmm.
I got loose.
I went pee-pee.
( * Ding-dong ) Oh dad, somebody's here.
I gotta go.
Ok ben, Have a good time.
Todd !
Ben !
What's up man, Look i made it.
Wow, congratulations. I thought you were--
Still dressed For the theater.
Yeah, looks it.
So you weren't lying, huh ? You went to the theater.
Yeah, i did go To the theater.
So you went To see "joseph".
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Joseph's gonna come by With the whole cast.
Oh really ? Yeah, they're comin'.
They're taking Their makeup off.
Well i'm glad you came, Come on in.
You're actually... Number one to arrive.
What's goin on With your hair, man ?
What do you mean ?
What is that "Dep" or somethin' ?
In it ?
Yeah.
Yes !
Anyway, todd ?
Yeah ?
This is exciting.
You should'a been here, My neighbor from upstairs.
Mr. Warren, he's 88, Was here.
He came down.
Why did he leave ?
He fell.
He fell ?
( Snickering nervously )
Ok, well-- do you want me To take your coat and uh...
Ah, thank you.
You can come into The living room and sit and...
Thanks man.
You want something To drink or ?
Yeah.
I got food, There's food on the table...
You gotta put the Music on though, man.
Oh, i'll put it on .
Because this is just turning Into me coming over your house.
What do you Like to hear ?
You like slow jazz or...
Slow jazz, no.
I'll just put this on I hope it's all right.
Do you have Any candles ?
I don't, i thought About that, though.
I'd like some candles.
Yeah, this isn't A date, todd.
This is a party.
Oh... I know that.
Although... You'd really Have to make a case for it.
Yeah, well i'm tellin' ya people Are bound to show up any minute
And if not, uh...
Hey ben, i hate to Break up the party but...
Why do you Have two vcrs ?
The two vcrs are for-- 'Cause i...
The one on the right Is broken, so my dad got--
They're hooked to Each other though.
Well, that's 'cause We were trying
To get power off The other one to get to--
Jump-starting it ?
What are you Talking about ?
What's the, wait, What's this, what's this ?
What are you Talking about ?
These are videotapes...
These are vic's House-brand blank tapes.
Right, i get those All the time from--
But there's Labels on 'em
With all the videos That you've rented.
Ohh, my god, todd !
My dad !
Your dad what ?
My dad did that.
That's your Handwriting.
How awful.
I recognize Your handwriting.
My dad made me Write that !
Hello ?
Dad !
Ben, can you keep it down, I'm in self-help.
Where are you ?
I'm in a bookstore.
I'm in the Self-help section.
Oh, really ?
How is the party going ?
Dad, it's happening.
It's all happening.
That is great.
There's probably about 60 people here.
So, i'm in The kitchen.
Sounds like A great party.
Hey did bruce and Those guys make it ?
Oh, they're here, yeah.
Hey can i say hi To bruce for a second ?
Well he's in The other room.
Oh, that's right i forgot There's no way for him
To get from the other room To this room.
Well, there's kind of A lot of people
In between me and The other... People--
Hi, yeah it's my place.
Yeah, don't Touch that, no don't.
Who are you Talking to ?
Yeah, no it's fine, Everything's going fine.
Don't touch, put it down !
Ben, who are you Talking to and what is he--
Y'know when people Come to a house
They think It's their own.
And then they Take liberties.
( Crash )
What's the glass I hear breaking ?
Oh, that is Glass breaking.
I'm on my way home.
No, no, dad, Don't that was just--
One guy dropped the thing, The china cabinet.
Oh great.
So that's nothing, I'll clean it up.
And mr. Warren is fine, He called from the hospital.
Oh great, great.
And he's doing fine, He's in stable condition.
We should send him a Fruit basket or something.
I don't think That's necessary.
It was his fault.
What do you mean, "His fault" ?
When he fell.
Yeah, but still it doesn't mean We can't be sympathetic.
Screw'im.
Ok.
Dad, listen to me.
I gotta go 'Cause i'm at a party.
Ok, ben, have fun, Don't drink too much.
Dad, don't Read too much.
Ok.
( Sirens passing ) Dad.
Ben, how's it goin' ? How's the party ?
It's uh, it's going.
Sounds crazy !
Yeah, more people Have arrived.
Anyone you know ?
No, no, a lot of people I don't know.
What do i hear In the background
It sounds like, The cops.
No, that's the uh...
I'm outside On the fire escape.
Ben, please !
Have you Been drinking ?
No, i'm fine.
Please be careful It's not a very safe.
Are you still At the bookstore ?
Yeah, i'm still At the bookstore.
Is everything okay, or ?
Yeah, things are good, Things are good here.
Yeah, i was just checkin' The party's actually fine.
No, no i've Seen that already, thanks.
Who are you Talking to ?
Actually, i just Bumped into laura here.
Where, at The bookstore ?
Yes.
Laura's at The bookstore ?
Yes.
Wow.
In fact, she's standing Right next to me right, now.
Oh really, That's funny i--
You wanna say Hi to ben ?
Laura !
( Laura on phone ) Hi.
How come you're At the bookstore ?
Weren't you supposed to Come to the party ?
No, i said i wasn't Coming to the party.
What are you guys Doing at the uh...
( Katz ) Hey, laura, Look at this.
( Laura ) Oh my god, Look at that.
Can you believe The size of that thing ?
Sounds like you're Having fun at the bookstore.
No, we're just looking Through books together.
If you guys want to Leave the bookstore
And come to the party, That's fine too.
Dad, now it's getting A little later
And there's no Reason for you--
No, that's okay, ben, But thank you For the offer.
Have fun and i'll see you In a few hours, okay ?
Whoa, whoa, wait, wait, Wait, wait, wait.
Hello ?
Let me talk to Laura again, dad.
Hang on one sec.
Laura !
Hi.
So you guys are havin' fun at The bookstore, you and my dad ?
Oh, it's okay.
What a weird thing that you Would be goin' to the bookstore
And my dad's there.
Yeah.
I'm havin' A huge party...
In my house...
And i know No one... at it.
What did You expect ?
Oh man, Laura i gotta go.
Bye.
Hello ?
Can you, Can i get in here ?
No, it's my party.
No, i...
No, it's My apartment
( Knocking on window )
Don't walk away !!